How real is true love?

By Ruth Olurounbi updated: Friday 22-08-2008

My friend Ade and I were discussing general issues and we soon drifted to relationships. I said drifted, because as far as I was concerned, I didn’t want to have any discussion about relationship at all, not with him anyway. But I guess he will accuse me that I brought it up.

So he asked a lot of questions but the most striking is one that had to do with if love is real or not. Why that struck me was not because I had not heard that question in one form or another before, but because it was coming from him. Ade is a conservative man, i.e, he is old-fashioned-minded, as he likes to call himself. His speeches, manners and the way he interacts with people will testify to this. Coming from a man of yesterday, who believes in the virtues, norms and culture of our society, who would launch a crusade to see to the restoration of the lost or “misplaced values” of our present society, well? An attempt to answer Ade gave birth to this piece.

Love is to life what a scent is to a rose. It is the spice of life and it adorns life as clouds decorate the skies. It is a common denominator, something we all need, regardless of our varied perspectives and vicissitudes of life, says Bishop T.D Jakes. We all want to experience love; there is no doubt about it. But the question is: Are we in love with others or with the idea of being in love? This is where going into relationships for the right reasons comes in. Many people approach a relationship, consciously or unconsciously believing that love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears.

It is important to know that before one can actually love another person, such a one must love himself/herself first. It is a pity that many people turn to another person for assurance that must first come within them. If one does not have confidence in himself, no matter how high the vote of confidence passed on him, he sure will feel no different.

Someone once said before you can love yourself, you must first begin with liking and liking comes with a good self-concept. So how do you improve on your self-like concept? Human beings are fraught with weaknesses. It is, therefore, advisable for you to make an inventory of these strengths and weaknesses. Writing them down and looking for ways to develop your strengths, i.e. the good qualities, abilities, talents; while you also improve on your weaknesses would help out a lot. This is not an easy task, but it is worth it. Next is to learn to compensate for the weaknesses. This comes after you might have improved and done away with the weaknesses in you. Compensation comes when you substitute something for an attribute you cannot change. But when compensating, it is important you know your limitations. Being honest about your limitations will help you not to resent others when they remind you of them.

Remember, we are still talking about love. We have said that love is a choice. One does not just fall in love with another person without first liking the person. So also it is with self-like. If you are going to do a good job of liking yourself,you must rebuildyour thought pattern and develop admirable qualities. If you have the habit of thinking of impossibilities, you can change that outlook and begin with possibilities. It is also important if those inner qualities that can help nurture a true sense of self-like; those qualities that can help you to develop an outlook to new experiences. These steps and many more will help out in developing a healthy self-concept.